It's that time once again folks. The entire gaming world turned its attention to Los Angeles this week to see the latest happenings from the gaming world. Those who know me may remember that for the past several years I've made a point of building these enormous coverage posts to give you all the dirt from the big event with a healthy dose of snarky, opinionated remarks. For anyone new, this post may be one of the longest blog you ever read; the shortest I've done was over 5,000 words and this year we're up over 8,000 (down from 10,000 plus last year, but then again last year had 7 conferences). Check them out for yourself: 2012 - 2013 - 2014 - 2015
***FULL DISCLOSURE*** For your safety, and to cover my ass from lawsuit, please note that this post may cause headaches, bellyaches, athlete's foot, mathlete's hand, sort throat, whore throat, narcolepsy, wet daydreams, obesity, and/or insatiable cannibalistic hunger. And if you have an erection that lasts for longer than four hours....I may have some career advice for you.
This year I will continue the scoring style I used last year. I am going to list each thing presented and indicate via color if it was positive, negative, or neutral for the presentation. I am also going to time each portion of the presentations and list how much time was spent on each item. The percentage of time spent on that particular item will serve as its maximum possible score (converted to a decimal), which it will only get if the item is considered positive. Neutral items will only get half points, while negative items get nothing at all. When all is said and done, I will add up the points for each press conference and that total will be its score.
With all that explained, let's get started already!
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Electronic Arts
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1. Intro: 260 seconds, 7.82% Earned Score: .039
Electronic Arts may be the only major publisher to never master the art of making its fans happy at E3. Their history is loaded with embarrassment, cringe-worthy memories, and just flat out idiocy. Some of it can't be helped; EA's portfolio is half dominated by sports franchises that cannot be ignored despite the E3 crowd's less than enthusiastic reception of it year after year. It would be sympathetic if EA wasn't such a giant prick most of the time. Needless to say, expectations were low this year, but not completely down the toilet. Last year they walked away with a score of .500 from me (still the worst overall though), and this year we already know they have some real goodies to show. Could the video game industry's metaphorical Chicago Cubs finally win the also metaphorical World Series?
2. Titanfall 2: 335 seconds, 10.08% Earned Score: .101
While it is exciting that PS4 owners can join the party this time, this is by no means a game that I'm super hyped for. I hate to say it, but I'm more hyped for this year's Call Of Duty. Sorry Respawn, but there's just a lot more selection out there. That being said, the game does look fun enough and by no means a bad thing. They get the positive because I had previously written it off, but now I'm thinking I may try it when it gets cheap enough. And that kind of conversion, albeit on a smaller scale than I'm sure they'd like, is the whole goal.
3. Madden 17 & e-Sports: 450 seconds, 13.53% Earned Score: .000
A small trailer for Madden is fine; there's no need to repeat last year where they just hype up a decades old Madden feature as though it was new. However, that absolutely does not mean we need to check in on eSports. It's just sad trying to put eSports players on a pedestal as though they were akin to the actual athletes in the games they're playing, and even worse when the promo features a section of him complaining about the respect he doesn't get for being good at Madden. Remember when Joe Montana showed up just to say "Hike" a few years back? That was a much better way to present Madden, and that was completely pointless.
4. Mass Effect: Andromeda: 210 seconds, 6.32% Earned Score: .032
I think the vast majority of gamers are most anticipating this of all EA's upcoming library, so it's beyond disappointing that the trailer we got didn't have any new information in it and actually felt a little...tame. Their concept for this game is literally now a direct copycat of it's Star Trek influence (if you recall their overarching mission), but honestly it feels less ambitious than that. And it's been teased for too long now for this to be all they have to show. It simply doesn't feel like much progress has been made, which is also off-putting. But still not enough to shatter the dream that when it does eventually come out, it will be good. Though when you think about it, in a twisted brand of irony you could give it credit simply because it's already making us dream.
5. EA Play: 165 seconds, 4.96% Earned Score: .025
EA's Play brand has been a metaphorical wedgie up until now; something EA's been trying to shove up your ass in the least intuitive way possible. But this year it's a bit different; this time there's a charitable component. Which I honestly don't get how this is supposed to work. What they say is that this is in support of charity, but what it sounds like is they're making new levels in existing games based and themed around the issues these charities address. Which is a weird thing to do. I can't see how this ties to EA giving money to charity, and even as a move to raise awareness this is feels really strained when compared to the simple option of giving them a shout-out when you have a camera in front of you (which technically they did but still). It feels like EA is trying to take everyone along for the most convoluted way to get a tax deduction they could possibly think of. But at least it's for charity. I think.
6. Fifa 17: 670 seconds, 20.15% Earned Score: .000
Fifa is never, ever going to be a positive for me. For one thing, I played real sports growing up, so a bunch of dudes having a contest about who can flop the most convincingly isn't exactly up to snuff. But while this stays in the red, I MUST give a shout out to the one man who could make me consider making this neutral: Alex Hunter. Alex Hunter is not a real person, but that doesn't matter. Neither was Kevin Butler. And like KB, Alex is able to sell his product with the passion and conviction of someone who is truly savoring his moment in the spotlight, and that's respectable. I could not care less about soccer or Fifa, but good on that guy for having his moment. And if he's just a good actor who gives less of a shit than I do about Fifa in real life, then even more props go his way for the skills. EA, if you want to save your show next year, consider letting Alex become your Aisha Tyler. Also about the game itself, I'm glad to see that EA is injecting some sort of story in. I would like to see video games have their own "Rudy", and this is a good step in that direction.
7. Fe / EA Originals: 395 seconds, 11.88% Earned Score: .119
It's SUPER creepy that EA seems to be trying to make the "awkward indie guy" a signature of their pressers. There's nothing wrong with indies or people having phobias of public speaking, but when EA starts pimping them out every year it quickly starts to feel disingenuous and dirty. That being said, Fe looks like a spiritual sequel to Ori and the Blind Forest with its visual style, but something all its own in gameplay. Not bad shaky indie guy, not bad. Keep up the good work, and blink twice if they're keeping you against your will.
8. Star Wars: 340 seconds, 10.23% Earned Score: .000
Their Jedi mind tricks do not work on me. They spent a tenth of their show here showing us NOTHING. Not a damn thing. These were not the droids we were looking for; hell they weren't even droids yet. EA tried this shit before, showing us developers in the office working on games when they had nothing to show for it yet. It didn't work then; it's not saving you now. That being said, it also felt like Jade Raymond was really trying hard to make Amy Hennig as recognizable a name as Hideo Kojima, which I'm all for. More major devs like the two of them need name recognition akin to major movie directors IMO. It's a subtle thing that allows us to move past sequelitis and be able to sell original products on that level of name recognition. But that's a much more meta subject than we were talking about here, which to remind you was about how EA just spent 10% of their show talking about things that weren't even real yet.
9. Battlefield 1: 500 seconds, 15.04% Earned Score: .075
As exciting as it is to have a game tackle the first world war, there is absolutely no excuse for playing half a trailer, pausing to talk for another couple of minutes, and then restarting the same trailer from the beginning. I didn't see any talk of technical trouble; they just did that for the fuck of it. It's like getting halfway done with a crossword puzzle, then some asshat from EA takes it away from you, lectures you about the history of crossword puzzles for five minutes and then gives you a blank copy of the exact same crossword puzzle, mockingly telling you to "start over Jackass" from what he thinks is under his breath, though because of the tinnitus he doesn't realize he's speaking at a normal volume.
10. Outro: 90 seconds, 2.71% Earned Score: .014
And so finally ends this wretched menagerie of failure and shame. EA made the effort to break away from E3 and do its own event while also splitting its conference between two locations on different continents. The result was a clusterfuck of poor choices and time management, amalgamating in what was hands down the worst press conference I've watched in at least two years.
In Total: 3,325 seconds, Earned Overall Score: .390
Out of 1.000. Which is actually kind of impressively bad if you think about it. Try not to for too long; best to just put this whole thing out of your mind.
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Bethesda
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1. Quake: Champions: 325 seconds, 9.18% Earned Score: .092
While the game is PC only (for now) and very well could have gotten a half mark for that alone, the game does look pretty fun. Looking to tackle the "hero shooter" that's emerging so rapidly now, Quake's new entry is going into dangerously populated territory. Whether they can rise above the Overwatch's of the world is another story for another time. I do love the little hidden reveal of Wolfenstein: The New Colossus's title in their bootup sequence. I didn't notice any other easter eggs in the presentation, but wouldn't that be a fun new tradition to start?
2. Intro: 150 seconds, 4.24% Earned Score: .021
Bethesda won last year's E3, also their first ever, with a score of .777 thanks to a solid understanding of the audience, E3 tradition, and how to properly demo a game. But without anything known to be as big as Fallout 4 (which alone was more than a quarter of their show last year), does Bethesda have the lineup and chops to repeat E3 victory? They're off to a good start so far.
3. Elder Scrolls Legends: 225 seconds, 6.36% Earned Score: .000
Did I say good start? Because it didn't take long to hit the full goddamn stop. All that momentum at the beginning just to ram into the wall that is the card battle genre. For all the positive response to Fallout 4's reveal being so close to its launch, it's kind of shocking to realize that this card battle game for PC and mobile has been shown at two E3s now and I don't think we even have a firm release date for it.
4. Fallout 4 DLC: 185 seconds, 5.23% Earned Score: .026
It all looks actually pretty unimpressive. First off, why are they adding so much creation shit, AGAIN, if they are not also adding an LBP style way of sharing our created content? You could conceive of a sort of FOB approach to how people could interact with online settlements/vaults or something, but I don't need shit tons of creation tools that can only be used in my alone time. Second, building your own vault and "conducting experiments" sounds interesting, but I cannot imagine it actually turning out to be interesting. It sounds more like Fallout Shelter being brought to Fallout 4, which is just stupid. If you're into that, the app is free; just get it. And lastly, the theme park is an interesting sort of idea for a locale, but I'm not exactly creaming my jeans over it. Speaking of my jeans being dry...
5. Skyrim Remaster: 75 seconds, 2.12% Earned Score: .000
...who wants another remaster? Because the only thing the 8th generation can truly be defined by at this point is the generation of reflection over previous generations. Worse than the fact that it's a remaster is the fact that it's a pointless remaster. PC mods already have done a better job upgrading the visual quality beyond what this remaster will accomplish, and that's literally the only thing that they did. Well no, to be fair, they will also be adding mod support on consoles. Which is not a bad thing, but how sad would it be if they released this remaster and the most popular mods are visual upgrades? At the very least, it's a respectful, classy move that Legendary Edition owners will get it for free. Well, on PC anyways, where the mods already exist to make the game prettier than Bethesda is remastering it to be.
6. Prey: 270 seconds, 7.63% Earned Score: .076
Well that certainly wasn't what anyone was expecting it to be. I mean, it's not like it turned into a JRPG or anything, but it's still pretty far from the space bounty hunter we've been jonesing for since Prey 2's reveal all those years ago. Now I want both. Prey's reboot feels like it's in a good place, but that craving for what Prey 2 was is not going to be satisfied anytime soon. I wonder how much the Groundhog's Day influence is going to resemble the actual game, or if this was only a technique for the trailer. And either way, it's very interesting to see how the trailer points out the use of holograms in the environment, alluding that things will literally be not as they seem.
7. Doom DLC: 220 seconds, 6.21% Earned Score: .031
I made a comment in the group chat that I noticed these DLC announcements were being done via prerecorded video rather than live on stage, which was probably an acknowledgement that they are not such a big deal. Doom's showing was a bit more enticing than Fallout's I have to admit though, because I do want to tackle SnapMap in a big way if I ever get my hands on the actual game. If that sounds hypocritical of me after dismissing Fallout 4's creation stuff, remember that you can share your Doom levels with other players and play theirs. Therefore, it's not pointless. What I really want though is to be able to make my own modes. I spoke of a couple of my ideas for that in the group chat, but I actually have more. I don't think SnapMap now or with this update will allow us to rewrite the objective and scoring rules to make our own modes, but on the other hand they did show off the ability to make your own single player level. So there's a chance.
8. Elder Scrolls Online: 420 seconds, 11.86% Earned Score: .000
I don't care for MMOs, and I do not play ESO. I also am unaware of how many people actually do play it. What I do know, is that I could not possibly care less. The Dark Brotherhood is being given a quest line and they are removing level restrictions and allegiance restrictions when grouping with other players or accessing areas. I can't imagine the story can be all that deep in an MMO environment, and removing those restrictions sounds an awful lot like trying to make the best of a lower than expected player count. Maybe I'm wrong, but it doesn't feel like this was worth more than a tenth of the show. WOOOOOOO!
9. Bethesda VR: 260 seconds, 7.34% Earned Score: .037
While I have absolutely no interest in VR, I am actually impressed that they are trying to bring Fallout 4 to the HTC Vive. That being said, I cannot even begin to imagine the brain-scrambly seizures that people are going to be dying from when they experience Bethesda's signature lag and clipping in VR. A glitch in the Matrix indeed. PS. I love the extremely personal irony that since this wasn't going to be a positive, I had to choose between making this a red item or blue one and what each of those represent.
10. Dishonored 2: 1305 seconds, 36.86% Earned Score: .369
I did not expect that they could stretch this showing over this time slot, but they actually managed to do it. Not to say that they should have, but nonetheless they did a great job showcasing mechanics rather than simply playing a section straight through. It's a good way to show the game, but for this amount of time I can't see many other games pulling it off. It's an interesting decision to do the character select the way they did. On the one hand, you have Corvo with all his powers from the last game, apparently unchanged. On the other hand, you have Emily with a bunch of new powers (her shadow walk BTW reminds me heavily of The Darkness. No, the other The Darkness). So in theory you'll get two slightly different experiences, with one of them being VERY familiar.
11. Outro: 105 seconds, 2.97% Earned Score: .015
Bethesda didn't have the punch this year that they had last year, but that's the Fallout effect for you. They still had a very respectable and respectful show, and made great emphasis on the proper way to show off your game. They might have tried to squeeze a bit too much out of Dishonored, but no harm done.
In Total: 3,540 seconds, Earned Overall Score: .621
In their sophomore E3, Bethesda saw a little drop from last year's .777. Still very respectable nonetheless, and they did a good job of picking up the tone after the EA debacle.
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Microsoft
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1. Xbox One S: 155 seconds, 2.89% Earned Score: .014
With rumors of new hardware and some lingering questions on major software, Microsoft needed to come out swinging this year. And they came out with the slim model of the Xbox One. I don't mind the "slim" model as opposed to certain other rumors, but it was eerily unsettling to hear Phil Spencer call it the "Xbox One family of consoles". Kind of contradicts the whole "One" philosophy too, don't you think?
2. Gears Of War 4: 580 seconds, 10.83% Earned Score: .054
Do you like humping walls, sluggish movements, and blah characters? Well then good news. I recognize that there's a huge fanbase for this game, but I just can't get into it. It's nothing special as far as its lineage is concerned either; just Gears being Gears.
3. Killer Instinct: 120 seconds, 2.24% Earned Score: .000
Really. One new fighter. That's it. Someone suggested this is their plan to turn KI into their version of Smash Bros; just keep adding one guest fighter at a time as time goes on. But that's a shitty plan, and adding a single fighter to your launch fighting game isn't really a huge announcement 2-3 years after its initial launch without something else more substantial to go with it. Even as an isolated promo for Gears 4, it's not very meaty and not really worth anything.
4. Forza Horizon 3: 340 seconds, 6.35% Earned Score: .032
This is neutral because I am so biased against racing sims in the first place that it's unfair to go negative, but honestly I do not care. At the very least, they didn't try to cram an actual car on stage this year.
5. Recore: 135 seconds, 2.52% Earned Score: .025
Still looks solid, but I would have preferred some gameplay here. This is easily the high point of the conference so far, at least for me.
6. Final Fantasy XV: 270 seconds, 5.04% Earned Score: .000
Wow. That was terrible. I'm not an FF fan to begin with, as you may recall, but I at least want it to be good for the people who want it. But that was just..... well, have you ever seen an episode of Law & Order SVU where the perp has a mental handicap? You want justice for the victim, but you feel weird about punishing such an addled mind, meanwhile the victim has to endure the rallying cry of people trying to protect the handicapped molester, and basically everybody loses.
7. The Division Underground: 65 seconds, 1.21% Earned Score: .006
Could not care less. Some new story DLC for the Division is probably great news for people invested in that game, and to its credit it was a very short in-and-out trailer. It's not winning over anybody new though.
8. Battlefield 1: 190 seconds, 3.55% Earned Score: .000
Literally, the exact same trailer. Didn't we cover this with Square Enix last year? If you have nothing unique to show for that stage, DON'T BOTHER. It's that simple. And remember, this is the same game they cut off and restarted in their own show. We saw that one soldier get tinnitus three times in press conferences. Completely unnecessary.
9. Xbox Live Updates: 245 seconds, 4.58% Earned Score: .023
So Microsoft is putting in their own version of the PS4's events and communities. Because that's a feature that took off. Oh, and let's also point out that Fifa is literally their only touted game for the Arena section, and even that's only as a future consideration. Which is somewhat ironic because Fifa is also one of the only games to use events on the PS4. Plus, now you can do a bunch of stuff like choose your language preference or listen to music in the background. You know, like your Xbox 360 used to be capable of but you never cared about.
10. Minecraft: 350 seconds, 6.54% Earned Score: .000
The only interesting thing that caught my attention during this entire segment of the show was just how much Lydia Winters resembles Kristen Schaal. We get it, you can build shit. Everyone can live out their extreme home makeover fantasies in a retro video game inspired, virtual off-brand Legoland. Build yourself a damn medal already and move the hell on.
11. Custom Color Controller: 60 seconds, 1.12% Earned Score: .006
I'm not into the whole "pay for for new color patterns" thing. But judging from the 4,000 cell phone covers my sister has for her one phone, I recognize that there is a market of people who love that shit. So good for them; at least it was a short video.
12. Inside: 55 seconds, 1.03% Earned Score: .005
Speaking of short things on video, was that mostly repeat footage from last year's E3? Inside is an interesting looking game, but I'm really worried about how long this is taking to make now. We're not talking about a AAA title here; they should have at least made enough progress to make a new trailer by this point.
13. ID @ Xbox Montage: 215 seconds, 4.01% Earned Score: .020
I like the smaller titles as much as the next guy, and I greatly appreciate that this year's montage was more coherent and better labeled than last year's. Still a bit too rapid fire to really get all hyped about any of it specifically.
14. We Happy Few: 305 seconds, 5.70% Earned Score: .057
Very blatant Bioshock vibes in the art direction and general tone. It's an interesting idea to build a game based around a completely hallucinated world and a society that oppressively pushes happy pills. I can't expect it to impress all that much given what everyone will compare it to, but it does strike a certain fancy.
15. Gwent: 210 seconds, 3.92% Earned Score: .039
It's shameful, I know. I mentioned before that I'm not a card battle fan, but when I was forced to do Gwent on my way to the Witcher 3 platinum, I unexpectedly got hooked. Not enough that I will get a stand alone game...probably...but I am not obstinately deterred from it. It's a weird, conflicted feeling. Someone please start talking about mobile; I need to feel some proper hate again. I need to feel like me again!
16. Tekken 7: 240 seconds, 4.48% Earned Score: .045
Tekken's a game that I heard literally no buzz about before this show, so I assume it's a surprise announcement. With Sony's Street Fighter V move kind of falling flat, it was interesting to see Microsoft spotlighting the fighting franchise with perhaps historically the strongest ties to Sony. And I'm all about the old man fight for the trailer.
17. Dead Rising 4: 105 seconds, 1.96% Earned Score: .020
Frank West is back; Dead Rising is Dead Rising. They promise to be "more", which is what DR3 was. But more of the same with a Christmas theme isn't exactly calling me back to a franchise I abandoned during it's "2" titles because I simply got bored with them. It's a franchise that does have the potential to be something special, and when it's at its best has always been a blast. But I've never had that feeling really sustain in past games, and I wouldn't say I would buy an XB1 for this.
18. Scalebound: 470 seconds, 8.78% Earned Score: .044
On the positive side, it went over much better than Final Fantasy XV did. On the realistic side, that's kind of like saying that [insert generic slasher villain] is scarier than that runaway killer tire from Rubber. I was definitely not into it at all, but it is Platinum and that's enough for many people who are not me. Those people, for the most part, liked what they saw, so I can respect that.
19. Sea Of Thieves: 330 seconds, 6.16% Earned Score: .031
Remember how I was saying that people should stop trying to put down Rare for working on an original IP instead of Banjo or Conker? I'm not pushing that agenda anymore. Some very bad "let's play" gameplay commentary probably makes it seem worse than it is, like getting stuck sitting next to Billy Eichner on a Spirit Airlines flight.
20. State Of Decay 2: 120 seconds, 2.24% Earned Score: .022
Glad it wasn't an MMO like some rumors were hinting at (though honestly I didn't even know about them beforehand anyways), but I would like to know if you can play the whole thing comfortably in single player or if you'll basically be forced into co-op to get past the most difficult parts.
21. Halo Wars 2: 255 seconds, 4.76% Earned Score: .024
Of the many things I am not a fan of, strategy is the one I'm most tame about. I don't hate these games; I just don't have the patience to sit back and not be in the action. So for me this is nothing special, and I don't recall the first game being all too popular compared to the power you'd expect of the Halo brand. Just a meh moment all around for me.
22. Outro: 140 seconds, 2.61% Earned Score: .013
Microsoft took this opportunity to recap and fake out an outro before their "one more thing". If the show ended here, I would have been happy with that. At least for a time. But despite having a decently paced show with some well presented gameplay demos and trailers and stuff, they left their biggest bomb for the end of the show, and they dropped it on themselves.
23. Project Scorpio: 400 seconds, 7.47% Earned Score: .000
This is an absolute insult. One of the worst things that could possibly happen to the console world is for hardware to become a yearly upgrade like cell phones try to be. It's complete bullshit to say that games will be universally compatible: you can expect significant performance issues on older hardware. I'm not an expert on tech stuff, but common sense tells me that if you build something for the stronger hardware, the weaker hardware will struggle to keep up. We've seen that in virtually every generation launch when games come out for both generations of hardware It'll technically play, but it'll be laggy and clippy and freeze a lot because the game was built for more power than you have. Perhaps not immediately when Scorpio launches, but you bet your ass the 2018 hardware will start presenting issues for the launch models.
Microsoft's attitude about it is a simple 'fuck you" to consumers. They have the balls to come out and say, "This is what you want" when it's the exact opposite of what we want. If you were an early adopter, sorry, fuck you. Enjoy your system while you still can; start saving up now if you want to keep playing new games down the road. And if you have a problem with that, you can always play any of our games on PC, provided you're willing to go through the bullshit of building and maintaining a decent PC rig that as a console gamer you've been going out of your way to avoid up until now. Because that's your choice with Xbox: submit to PC or let us fuck your wallet every couple of years for hardware and just accept the fact that you won't be able to afford as many games as you used to anymore.
Console players do not want their hardware to be more like PCs. We buy consoles as 7-10 year investments, a period of time during which we can calmly focus on software without worrying about whether our system specs can handle it. While following the cell phone model is still easier for the tech un-savvy consumer when compared to piecing together a decent PC rig, it's a major bitch slap for anyone who buys consoles to avoid this bullshit.
That's not to say it's all inherently horrible. If they truly can keep it "all in the family", then backwards compatibility will naturally just be compatibility over time. And that's literally the only positive I can think of for consumers who don't have buckets full of money they don't know what to do with. Which isn't much considering that backwards compatibility has been a thing without fucking people over.
The whole thing is underscored by a shameful makeshift slogan of Xbox One's past that, while not explicitly stated, was more explicitly felt than it was in it's original usage: #DealWithIt. And the sad fact is there's plenty of idiots out there who are more than happy to bend over and pull apart their cheeks for the newest model every year.
Full disclosure, Phil Spencer did later say that they were NOT going to do yearly or bi-yearly hardware upgrades, but he also initially said they weren't doing this at all. So I can't really trust that, and signs point to yearly being their true intention (otherwise why even bother with the Xbox One S, honestly) unless of course the sales fail harder than Kinect.
--------/rant--------
In Total: 5,355 seconds, Earned Overall Score: .480
That's way down from their .686 last year. Hell, it's lower than I thought, and I just ranted about their last item. It didn't feel like their style was off this year; they did a good job showing gameplay and moving forward. Their substance overall was mostly neutral though, and nothing they had could weigh against the terrible pitfall that was the Scorpio.
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Ubisoft
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1. Just Dance 2017: 270 seconds, 4.40% Earned Score: .000
Please stop them now! They're bringing down my good time, hope somebody falls. Please stop them now! 'Cause I wanna have a good time, kick the giraffe's balls! Please stop them, not having a good time. Please stop them, not having a good time. Please before they taint this song!
2. Intro: 155 seconds, 2.53% Earned Score: .013
Well, that's how Ubisoft enters the show: by putting on a dance number that looked like it was written by Elton John and Willy Wonka's lovechild on acid, committed crimes against Queen, and acknowledged the at home drinking game that regards their very open use of the f-bomb. Aisha Tyler is awesome as always, but I'm still recovering from that traumatic experience we began with. To quote myself from the group chat: "It's like a third grader thought he could make a budget ballet out of 'The Lion King Goes To Elton John's Nightmares' and put it to a Queen soundtrack."
3. Ghost Recon: Wildlands: 860 seconds, 14.02% Earned Score: .070
The game looks fine, but I'm quite disappointed that we still don't know how it's going to work in single player; either locking you into a single character, or allowing you to jump between the squad members as per Ghost Recon's lineage. This demo really dragged on for far too long also. It would have been better if Ubisoft's "player" actors' dialog on these things wasn't such a festival of cringe.
4. South Park: The Fractured But Whole: 875 seconds, 14.26% Earned Score: .143
This is easily the game of show. I am liking the added depth to the combat system, and of course it's still hilarious as you'd expect. My confidence in it is very high; the only question left for me is how long the game ends up being. Because especially on replay, The Stick Of Truth goes by pretty quickly.
5. The Division Underground: 370 seconds, 6.03% Earned Score: .000
Noop. Do not care. And honestly, I can't even say it looks anything all that worthwhile for people who would. Since I have nothing more to say, I'd like to take this opportunity to tell you that the secret word this year is "coconut". So if you made it even this far in the post, include that word in your comment somehow to let me know you did.
6. Eagle Flight VR: 390 seconds, 6.36% Earned Score: .000
Why, in the hell, did they think we needed shitty play-by-play for that? Or a full match to begin with? The straight concept of a "combat flying" game incorporating a tradition FPS mode like CTF was interesting, but it's a bit disappointing to see how the drop off points were utilized. The flag spawns in random places, whomever gets there first tried to take it to the drop off. Normal CTF games have unique drop offs for each team, but this one does not. So there's no reason why someone won't be camping out the drop off to pick someone off and steal the credit EVERY FRICKIN' TIME.
7. Star Trek: Bridge Crew: 545 seconds, 8.88% Earned Score: .044
I have nothing positive to say about this really. I'm not a Star Trek fan, but I'm open to it and have the series in my Netflix queue. My distaste is not about that at all. I'm not a VR nut either, so that's not helping anything. My real problem though is that this simulator is located solely on the bridge of the Enterprise, where you'll be simulating the more mundane tasks that come with running a ship. The ship's pilot will probably be fun enough, but the rest of the jobs on the bridge are a bit...boring to be honest. Even so, I MUST give this at least a neutral because Lavar Burton was more passionately into it than Alex Hunter was for Fifa. And it's a sappy joy to see someone lost in the kind of wonder and joy that goes with your dreams coming true.
8. For Honor: 820 seconds, 13.37% Earned Score: .067
Last year, I was very impressed with this game's intensity and respect of its weapons. Most games take a lot of the impact of melee combat away but requiring a lot of strikes to do any significant damage. For Honor's multiplayer demo last year showed a much more intense fight that had a greater respect for the deadly weaponry being used. This year's single player demo....lost all that. Suddenly, the game looked like every other meh hack and slash action game around. And that's a big letdown for me; but at least the multiplayer will be more of what I'm looking for.
9. Grow Up: 180 seconds, 2.93% Earned Score: .015
I honestly may have dozed off to sleep here. I was a little surprised to see Grow Home get a sequel, but then again I haven't played it yet. I downloaded it while it was free on PS+, but I haven't tackled it yet. I'll wait until I do before I pass too much judgement about the sequel's potential. It's reveal and presentation though were not all that exciting.
10. Trials: Blood Dragon: 230 seconds, 3.75% Earned Score: .000
To yet again quote myself from the group chat, "This presentation feels like the WWE directed an episode of Saved By The Bell, and the game feels like a commercial that would play during." I honestly cannot describe it any more clearly.
11. Assassin's Creed movie: 465 seconds, 7.58% Earned Score: .000
Ugh. So much ugh. Remember when Sony talked about the Ratchet & Clank movie last year? You might not, because they didn't spend much more than the 60 second trailer on it. And that was a movie I thought might actually be good. Spoilers, they say it wasn't (didn't see it). The AC movie had promise initially, but literally everything they've said about it since then has been very negative indicators, and by this point there's just no hope left for it. And then to spend so much time on it is just...ugh.
12. Watch Dogs 2: 975 seconds, 15.89% Earned Score: .159
The first game was shit. Not the worst shit ever, but really mediocre and oversold shit. The sequel looks much improved, and that is kind of the Ubisoft way. So props for getting this on the right track. But I am still going to be very cautious about it before getting too hyped. Major side note: I meant what I said in the group chat about DLC that lets you play as Bernie Sanders. And how Rage Against The Machine should dominate the in game soundtrack. Make it happen!
13. Steep: 735 seconds, 11.98% Earned Score: .000
Did you like EA's Skate? Wanna do that but with snowboarding and skiing and base jumping? No?!? What if I told you that most of the appeal of the game was not playing it and enjoying the 3D picture of the mountain? Hell no?!?!? Well what if I told you that there was lots of danger like all the adrenaline junkies rave about, only not really because it's a video game? That sounds horribly boring, doesn't it?
14. Outro: 280 seconds, 4.56% Earned Score: .023
Ubisoft had mostly the right intention in their presentations, in that they wanted to focus on gameplay. A lot of gameplay. But they didn't want to leave out the awesome trailers. So they had those too, for the same games. And on and on it went; too much of a good thing became a bad thing. There was definitely some crap in the mix, but their biggest, longest focus titles were their best ones. They were just trying a bit too hard, and I don't fault them for that. As long as Aisha Tyler keeps killing it as host and they have at least a couple of gems to look forward to, it's not a total loss. And still easily better than EA.
In Total: 6,135 seconds, Earned Overall Score: .510
Ubisoft's show was good enough for a respectable score despite its run time exceeding both major console makers in time while only showing half as many games. It isn't the .608 they had last year, but it'll do.
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Sony
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1. Overture: 310 seconds, 6.70% Earned Score: .034
Sony last year preceded its show with a recorded song over the speakers, like many of them do, which foreshadowed what was in store fairly well. Last year, the song declared, "Here we fucking go", and with that they dropped some big bombs that led them to a .705 score. This year they similarly opened their show with music that would be very symbolic of the event about to unfold. Not a prerecorded cheeky song, but with an overture performed by a live orchestra. A classier, more powerful statement to underscore the masterpiece theater of E3 hype machines that Sony was ready to begin. Could they really live up to that?
2. God Of War: 605 seconds, 13.08% Earned Score: .131
A reboot, a sequel, an unexpected charm. Entering E3 the rumors of a new God Of War were running rampant, and they were thoroughly unexciting. God Of War ran its course with Greek mythology and while Kratos himself was perfectly befitting a Greek tragic hero, he did not have the depth that made you think it could go on much longer. That has been taken care of. Now with Norse influences all around him and a son to teach, Kratos has learned to channel his rage and make the difficult choices parents make between love and tough love. It was interesting to see that he gained EXP from what his son was learning, which means that your parenting skills may actually be a gameplay mechanic as you train your son to survive a world riddled with anguish and monsters.
3. Intro: 195 seconds, 4.22% Earned Score: .021
So we're off to a great start so far. Sony may have the upper hand so far, but cautiously we must all remember Wonderbook, and the awful things that Sony can do to themselves at E3. Would they keep the pace, or fall down on top of the orchestra?
4. Days Gone: 135 seconds, 2.92% Earned Score: .029
The story trailer here looks interesting, albeit not a stretch from other zombie games and movies we've seen lots of times before. It appears that it'll focus in on the lifestyle and philosophy of bikers and how that carries on, so that's at least a good thing to call its own. It feels like the perfect game for Norman Reedus, but Starkiller (I will not use his human name) is a good choice too.
5. The Last Guardian: 110 seconds, 2.38% Earned Score: .012
Nice, quick trailer to announce an October release date. It's good they didn't try to make this a big gameplay demo, because the experience you have is such a huge part of the appeal.
6. Horizon: Zero Dawn: 500 seconds, 10.81% Earned Score: .108
Guerrilla's new IP is looking very solid. We got a good chunk of meaty gameplay here, and the high tech/low tech life swap they've done is very interesting. Taming the robo-beast is obviously a cool addition, and the variety of ways to use the bow is nice. Even though I could have done with less of her narration, it wasn't as bad as we've seen in other games this E3 like Scalebound. I'm pretty hyped.
7. Detroit: Become Human: 245 seconds, 5.30% Earned Score: .053
When Kara became a small hit as a story concept, everyone wanted to see where that could go for a game. The answer is an evolution of Heavy Rain's detective sections. The sheer depth of choice that goes into at least the major moments, built partially on what you learn from investigating and partially on your own personal decisions, is impressive. It appears that the main character, at least the one we know of so far, can die. That means, as I've alluded, that it's likely we'll see at least one more playable character. The story itself is obviously inspired by Blade Runner, and with its depth of choice you may feel like you're watching a marathon of every edition they've ever released of that if you ever go for the platinum.
8. Resident Evil 7: Biohazard: 245 seconds, 5.30% Earned Score: .053
Good news for PT fans, bad news for RE fans that like tradition. I personally like what I'm seeing, but I understand (and agree with) the mindset that this should have been a new IP that was completely free to do its own thing, rather than something shoehorned into the RE name.
9. PS VR: 155 seconds, 3.35% Earned Score: .000
I've said it before, I don't care about VR. I'm not spending as much on a VR headset as I did on my console, and I think it's a big mistake to put VR in there as your major holiday thing. I doubt there's anything they could show me in VR that I would want at all...
10. Farpoint: 110 seconds, 2.38% Earned Score: .024
...damn it. Mass Effect Andromeda should be ashamed of itself, because this actually looks better. I don't mean visually; I mean that if you put the two next to each other and take away the names/pedigree, this one wins the taste test. I feel dirty for even thinking that, but it's true.
11. Star Wars: X Wing VR: 45 seconds, 0.97% Earned Score: .000
I think there should be more flying combat games on the market, but this one is certainly not overcoming my VR wall. That's not happening twice in one show.
12. Batman: Arkham VR: 75 seconds, 1.62% Earned Score: .000
Mark Hamill does a great job as the Joker, I have to admit. But not great enough to erase the fact that this VR trailer showed literally nothing but the silhouette of the Batman's mask. Which, reasonably, you can assume you'd never actually see in a VR Batman game since you'd be looking through the Batman's eyes. So, yeah.
13. Final Fantasy XV: 135 seconds, 2.92% Earned Score: .000
The trailer didn't look as terrible as the gameplay demo, but there is no universe where a trailer can win you back on a game after the gameplay was so shitty. It literally doesn't matter what they put in the trailer; it was simply too late.
14. Call Of Duty: Infinite Warfare: 475 seconds, 10.27% Earned Score: .103
It may be the least liked/most disliked COD reveal in history, but I'm actually looking forward to this. Having not really played a COD game since Modern Warfare 2, I'm probably not as burned out as most. But even if you are tired of the COD rehash-a-thon, IW looks like the first really new direction for this franchise in quite some time. It's worth a shot. They also briefly showed the MW trilogy remaster, but that's barely even really worth mentioning in my opinion.
15. Crash Bandicoot Trilogy Remaster: 55 seconds, 1.19% Earned Score: .006
Crash is Sony's Conker; fans want a new one, all they get is a remaster. It's not the worst remaster idea though; PS1 games really need the treatment compared to other eras, and this is a trilogy pack. I can respect this one.
16. Skylanders: Imaginators: 65 seconds, 1.41% Earned Score: .000
Eew, They took a somewhat profound moment for me in which I allow for some middle ground on something I talk down fairly often, and they had to go and do this. At least it wasn't very long.
17. LEGO Star Wars Episode VII: 160 seconds, 3.46% Earned Score: .000
I'm super disappointed that they ripped the movie's audio for this. LEGO games were better when they couldn't talk. And also when they covered more than just one movie at a time. There's some signs of humor still present of course, but it's lost a lot of the charm that made the early games popular.
18. Death Stranding: 335 seconds, 7.24% Earned Score: .072
Absolutely unexpected. His studio's only been open for what, 6 months so far? Definitely was not expecting to see him this year, nor with such an oddly intriguing trailer. It tells you absolutely nothing and revels in that mystery. Norman Reedus is the star, and that alone is almost enough to make you cry. I don't think del Torro will join in with this one, but even so Kojima has certainly gotten the last laugh out of that debacle, at least so far. I doubt we'll see any more of this for a while, but it's good to see that Kojima Productions is on their feet.
19. Spiderman PS4: 80 seconds, 1.73% Earned Score: .000
I saw the Insomniac logo and got myself ever so slightly hyped that maybe Sunset Overdrive or its sequel would be finding its way to PS4. Instead, I got Spiderman. Because that's what the world needed: more superhero shit. I know people are excited, but no. Fuck that.
20. Outro: 100 seconds, 2.16% Earned Score: .011
Sony's show moved forward at a brisk pace, barely taking any time to plainly talk and wasting no words. They featured interesting reveals, a couple of genuine surprises, some great gameplay segments, and the orchestra may have been my second favorite running quirk in E3 history, behind only Nintendo's Robot Chicken interludes a few years back. But they weren't done yet; a certain game revealed earlier on with a trailer was about to make a return...
21. Days Gone: 490 seconds, 10.59% Earned Score: .106
It was a great surprise to bookend this conference with gameplay here. Was not expecting that. (Actually, those in the chat may also know that I was confused for a bit about this for a while, and like the idiot I am thought it was another game). The gameplay segment picked up exactly where that trailer left off. The Sony bleeding effect - where two first or second party games have taken strong influence off each other - feels very present here with The Last of Us. Also present are the influences from zombie films like World War Z and 28 Weeks Later. It looks good, but I still need to see a bit more before I get too hyped.
In Total: 4,625 seconds, Earned Overall Score: .762
Sony's showcase triumphed thanks to their intelligent time management and quality substance. That score even tops their excellent .705 last year. Good on you Sony, for figuring out how to do E3 right.
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Nintendo
Poor Nintendo. I have to mention them, but I can't count them. PC World either, and it's because neither really compare fairly to a press conference format. PC World is again too much of an interview show, and Nintendo this year was too...singular. Well that's not fair; they just skipped the conference/direct altogether and showed off their one game. By all accounts it's a good game, but I really didn't need to see that much of it. They did their best not to go far into spoiler territory, but still. We complained about Ubisoft's games going on for too long, and this went on for WAAAAYYYYY longer. If you're not a fan of Let's Plays, this was not the showcase for you.
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Overall Scores
- Sony..................762
- Bethesda..........621
- Ubisoft..............510
- Microsoft..........480
- EA.....................390
So as you can see, we had a decent year all around, outside of EA's shitstorm of shittiness. Ubisoft may have run on too long, but at least they were smart enough about which titles to run with. Microsoft lost big points with me over Scorpio, but even before that they weren't doing quite as well as I'd like. Bethesda did respectably, but not up to their first year's bar. Sony on the other hand made a lot of really smart decisions in putting together their show. They managed their time well, had a couple of surprises, and didn't get stuck on the bad stuff for too long.
This, however, is only the scores based on time management. if you want to see the straight comparison of good items vs bad items in the show, it would look more like this:
- Sony..................548
- Microsoft..........522
- Bethesda..........455
- EA.....................450
- Ubisoft..............357
Bet you weren't expecting that. Sony and Microsoft ended up being fairly close in the good/bad ratio, while Bethesda saw quite a drop to below .500. Not only that, but somehow EA rose from the bottom. That's a perfect example of the difference it makes to count HOW they spend their time as important as ON WHAT they spend their time. The 60 second negative trailer counts the same in this method as the 10 minute gameplay demo, which is why I prefer the first way.
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Other Thoughts
- After last year went so smoothly across the board, I guess we were overdue for some blunderous decision making and seriously questionable time management this year. Mark your calendars for Sony next year too and bring some popcorn; now they're LONG overdue for a pitfall.
- My most anticipated games walking away now are South Park, the new God Of War, and Horizon. Order's not important.
- I want to thank every who showed up for the group chats at any point during the week. We got a couple of old-timers to join us too, which was also great. If any of them are reading this, it was especially great chatting with you all again too. We miss you guys around here.
- I was a little bummed that PC World and Nintendo were both still so different from the norm this year. I would have liked to include everything, but it's just not a fair comparison. Maybe next year will see a change in format (almost certainly will for Nintendo).
So, what did you think of my thoughts here? Comment below with any reply, conversation starter, after hours invitation, or adrenaline fueled fits of rage you want.
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Quote Of The Day
"What would you rather do? Carry them? Or just knock them unconscious and call it a day?"
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Today In Music (June 16th)
Powertrip by Monster Magnet released on June 16th, 1998.